"If a man makes himself clean from these, he will be a vessel for honour, made holy, ready for the master's use, ready for every good work." 2 Timothy 2:21
The truth is, I don't think we can do the cleaning by ourselves. I think God gives us a hand. We start the the process, but he allows things in our lives to help us along.
A couple of weeks ago I drew what started as a random organic shape during church. As I continued to shade the drawing, I realized that I had created a hallow figure with a head. I further realized that the figure could be me. God has emptied me in allowing me to be a mother. I had no idea when I decided to stay home with our son how much of myself I would be giving. The process was extremely hard for me. I spent weeks lamenting the fact that I didn't have my life anymore. I desperately wanted to work in my studio. In giving all of that up, even though it is temporary, I felt empty. I felt like I had given myself up, like I had lost my whole identity. It was crushing until I finished the drawing - then I realized how wonderful it was to be emptied out so I could care for someone else. I couldn't have gotten here without help; truthfully, I complained the whole way! My loving husband was very supportive.
This morning during church I thought of the verse above, and I realized that God allows us to be emptied out so He can fill us for His service. And it happens more than once during our lives. It happens as many times as we need it.
I was also reminded of a Jill Phillips song "Wrecking Ball". The lyrics are below. I love the way she refers to God as "both the builder and the wrecking ball". He's definately been that in my life. The wrecking part is always hard. I always feel like my world is crashing down. It's just so nice to get to the part where He builds things back up. You'd think I'd get used to the wrecking part and know to just sit tight and have faith. I'm just so human...
Wrecking Ball by Jill Phillips
Just when my tears were falling deep enough to drown
Down in the valley of the shadow of a doubt
When I gave up that’s when He came to lift me out and set me high
When I saw it as a gift of matchless worth
I started thinking it was something I deserved
He pulled the rug from underneath without a word and left me dry
Piece together these little mysteries
It isn’t hard to see the writing on the wall
Triumph and tragedy, only God can be
Both the builder and the wrecking ball
He gave them freedom and a fertile promise land
They took for granted their deliverance at hand
Thirty-nine years later they’re still walking through that sand
Wondering why
And He builds it up
And He knocks it down
Just to build it up even stronger
And so I am becoming an empty vessel. Now that my life is emptied of all the clutter, I get to start over. I have to find a way to fill what God has given me. I'll keep you posted about what I decide to do next, but I'm certain that it's more than sitting on the couch and knitting and spinning.